Friday, January 6, 2012

I Couldn't See For the Stars.

And so it is that i find myself at home alone on a Friday night. Why? Because i'm too tired to do anything else.

Instead of going out, I'm doing a lot of reading, some listening to new bands that i have been meaning to chase up, as well as a bit of writing.

Central to my inability to go out is of course the cycling i did during the week which, coupled with not enough calorie intake, has left me just a little exhausted.

I don't have a problem at this stage with cycling dictating how i live day to day (i enjoy it too much) but as i stand on the verge of a year with no plans other than 'to ride my bike a bit', i do sometimes have my doubts.

Most of my friends this year are either continuing their study, or going overseas if not indefinitely, then for a very long time. Frankly, I'm worried that, come mid winter, all i'll have to sustain me is the Northern Combine. As Brendan said, what my friends are doing is essentially accepted procrastination, whereby the pondering of what to do afterwards isn't as stark a reality, as when you are at home, with nothing in particular to distract you.

So i find myself having these minor panic attacks as i realise that i am devoting a year to something I'm not very good at anyway. I find myself wondering if i am perhaps devoting too much time to one pursuit, closing my eyes to a world that is perhaps larger than i am giving it credit for.

If this theme is sounding tired and self indulgent, that is because it is. It remains a topic of thought because i haven't really come to any solid conclusions - the hope being that by writing it down somewhere, it might lead me to come up with some ideas, or perhaps allow me to frame the dilemma in such a way, that it appears again in a new light.

Essentially, I have no money, little to no food, and while i am loving bike riding and racing more than ever before, i feel like i should probably do/achieve something else with this year.

Better start my novel then.

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