Saturday, November 26, 2011

Redundant.

The first record i ever owned was Green Day's Nimrod.

It was 1998 and i was nine, in grade four. My friend Thomas, who was much smarter than me, recommended it. I didn't really know how to get a CD, so he gave it to me for Christmas.

I fucking loved that record. It was raw (comparatively speaking), there were heaps of swear words, and it made me think (for the first time) that shit could be done differently to how it was done by my parents.

Cos we only had one stereo, I had to ask permission to listen to it, cos Mum and Dad didn't much care for it. They usually let me though. So there I would be, in the living room, with the door closed, reading the liner notes. I would try and work out what the fuck they were singing about, knowing vaguely it was about stuff i didn't understand yet - and yet i would always get this shiver of excitement when i heard the work 'fuck'.

This was at a time when baggy pants, skate shoes, and chain wallets were the epitome of cool for ten year old, so i of course wanted in.

I slowly, through nagging and closet negotiation, managed to get my hands on some baggier pants, some shoes that kinda-sorta-looked like skate shoes - but i never got a chain wallet cos Mum said they were dumb. She was right, but i wasn't to know.

The final touch was a skateboard, and gelled up hair.

Very, very briefly, I was cool. Nimrod was the catalyst for change - that made me realise things could be largely defined by what I was interested in, and what i wanted to wear.

Afterwards, because everyone who liked Green Day liked the The Living End and The Offspring, I figured I would too. I didn't, in fact i hated it.

Music drifted away for a while. I got into computer games and a bit of bike riding. Until I heard Metallica for the first time, Green Day had been the only band I ever gave a fuck about.

I like to think they started something that (despite a bit of a lull between 10 and 15) set the course to ultimately change my life.

I remember thinking, when I heard Dead Kennedys for the first time, and other bands like Minor Threat, after years of listening to nothing but pounding blast beats and walls of guitar that, maybe, maybe, i had come full circle.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Where To Now, Grace?

So i finished my degree. I'd like to say that it ended with my realising the ways of the universe, but all i can say for sure is that, in fine Socratic form, i know a lot less then i thought i did. And, while we're on the topic, I'm still not sure what knowing is.

But never mind.

I had this moment this arvo when i realised, unlike other years where the end of a academic year (while cause for celebration) is always structured with the promise of more structure the next year. Not so now. My entire life is stretching out before me, it's structure waiting to be formed...by me.

That's an intimidating prospect, especially when your plans for the first year are usually expressed like: "Um, yeh, might ride my bike a bit."

I'm gonna need more than that, and I already have some plans in the works. I have an essay i want to write that's been in my head for a long time now. Once i manage to write it, I'm going to try and get it published by someone (if i think it's good enough which, lets face it, is unlikely).

But there it is: as de rigeur as it is, my life is stretching out before my eyes with (while not limitless potential) enough freedom to both scare and excite the crap out of me, like no other concept.

Friday, November 11, 2011

A Boulder.

Sometimes I feel, if i stare into space long enough, that i can see the ideas in my head.


Man, i don't think this library is a healthy place to be anymore.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

This is Myself!

Today, at i sat in the library, slowly going mad, I began to get a real pain in my stomach. A kind of tightness around my whole upper body, that feels like it's smothering every breath i take.

You know you're in trouble when philosophical ideas start to cause physical harm to the body. I mean, it happened to Nietzsche:


To be fair, he also had syphilis, but you get the point.

I'm so close now, everything i have been working for is so close to finally being finished, i can physically feel my body holding out for the end, so it can finally let go.

I jut hope it doesn't totally give out on me, leaving me with a broken husk for the Tour of Bright. Yeh, that would suck.


Wednesday, November 9, 2011

A Never Ending Tunnel.

I swear, when i finish this god damn honours year of mine, I will never do another essay in my life. I can't bear to look at my computer screen anymore, and anything i write sounds like total shit.

I have to hand in my thesis in 12 days and, in between that time, i have to hand in another ten thousand words, five of which i am yet to write.

Hear that?

Yeh, that's the sound of my balls breaking.