Old friends look at me in horror, touch my arm lightly, and ask me if I am ok. What happened, they ask, to that guy who would eat a sausage roll and Big M, and declare himself the happiest man on Earth?
Seriously, it isn't that hard, for one simple but powerful reason: garlic bread.
You know the stuff, that cheap rubbish from Woolworths, wrapped in tin foil. Delicious and, it turns out, totally vegan.
It really is the food of life and would, I imagine, allow someone to subsist on it solely for the course of one's natural life.
What else does one need other than delicious carbohydrates, essential oils and...herbs?
So next meal, drop those pesky chickpeas, that salad that you pretend to love, laughing hysterically as you shovel it in your mouth, hoping to God that it will end soon. Forget those lentils that look like someone vomited after a big night. And, for christ sake, drop that fuckin burger.
What else could one possibly want other than lashings of garlic bread, soy milk, a movie, and something soft and comfy to sit on? Other than a sausage roll and a Big M, fuck all.