Thursday, February 25, 2010

Clusterfuck: When a 15 year old throws a party...

Despite it being about as far away as possible from the music that interests me, this gentleman has come to my attention recently:

Apologies for bad quality.

This video raises quite a few questions and general comments. These are namely...

1. Is this boy 12? Why does he speak like that?

2. How is he friends with Usher at such a tender age?

3. Despite the title, he spends most of his time "telling you one time".

4. If an ego maniac 12 year old invited you to his sweet house party, would you attend? Half the party goers look 35, well paid, and married. Where did this boy get his sweet contacts?

5. At what stage, when auto-tune is used so much, can a star rightfully claim ownership?

Perhaps most importantly...why is the boy doing this? Other than the money, the 21 year old women who already wanna jump him, as well as his friendship with Usher? I mean, has he never seen a Slayer show?

Holy god Justin, of whatever your name is, it's not too late! Renounce your money, fame, success, and already relative good looks, for a life of excellent music taste and integrity. Not to mention the social alienation, ridicule, lack of women and terrible hair that comes with it!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Female Toilets and Metal Concerts: An exploration of what it means to be alone.

Judging by the many metal concerts I have been too, metal is a male dominated music type.

Whenever i want to urinate at a concert, I have to put up with huge lines, awful conversations, smoke so thick i can barely see, as well as facing the fact that it was all my choice to go through it.

Women's toilets, on the other hand, must look a little like this at a metal concert:

Indeed metal concerts may in fact be the only place on earth where females can take a piss quicker than a male, and with less fuss. Heaven forbid, they could even take refuge in a cubicle, when they realise that the band they went to see is nothing more than a bunch or ageing fat men playing terrible riff salad wearing kiss makeup. I, on the other hand, when i have the same realisation, have to slip into the urinal and become stoned just by breathing the air.

The only thing more indignant than taking a piss at a metal concert, is taking a piss while wearing bib knicks, and the awful "forward lean of eagerness" that ensues. Why can't they include a small fly? Would it be so difficult? Do my testicles have to be compressed every time I need to wee?

The dubious moral of this story, it seems, is to go into the female toilets at metal concerts to save yourself face, mental health and lung capacity. Also, when you next ride your bike, channel this dude:

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Hitting Metal Toughness For Six

Tonight, despite my various misgivings, i went to watch the Australia, Pakistan Twenty 20 match at the MCG.

For the one (or possibly two) readers that don't live in the glorious British Commomwealth, Twenty 20 is a feeble attempt to make the sport of cricket both interesting and TV friendly. A sport that needs to be shortened from five days, to four hours, that still retains boring parts, is truely in need of help. Yet so it is.

What i was interested by was the large police presence. I personally saw several fights, and a few people dragged away by the police. This is in a sport that prides itself on being family friendly entertainment. What it contrasted with, quite amusingly, is the way metal fans talk up the brutality of concerts, when in reality, it probably didn't even compare with this cricket match.

Metal fans that talk in hushed tones about the "brutal suffocation gig" where they "totally broke a rib" and "broke the nose of three posers" probably, in reality, just stubbed their toe.

Who are you more scared of?

Or him?

I will admit that neither strike fear into the heart of man as this person does:

How could you not be scared as this man, sweet Mayhem tee billowing in the wind, shitty dual suspension bike creaking, bore down on you with all the stench and elitism of the average black metal fan. Also sweet rap rounds.

However, the spider guy is clearly more scary than the dog collar Maiden fan, and i suspect both are typical of the kind of people that attend cricket and metla gigs respectively. Clearly actual viloence is a far more real proposition at the sporting event, and sitting in front of me was a seven year old child. During the fight he stood up and was calling for blood. During a fight at a metal gig, everyone shys away from the violence, muttering about how they totally could have taken the seven footer with spikes coming out of his eyes, if it weren't for their sore neck from "sweet wind milling".

In conclusion, metal gigs, even self conciously violent ones like Slayer, Morbid Angel, and Styper, are nothing to the bare toothed brutality of family oriented sport.