Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Listening to hardcore: Kinda like not riding.

So I haven't ridden much for the past week. This is in part due to a road bike out of the picture for a little while. It's also due to a lack of inspiration. I've been sick, it's been hot, or wet. I just haven't felt that desire to push myself as i have been for the past while. I know i should take a break after being ill. But for how long? And to what extent? All this results in a guilty feeling, as if i should be doing more.

By the same token, I've been listening to a lot of the band Propagandhi for the past few days. I had heard the name thrown around a bit and decided to give them a listen. I really like it. Which brings me to another conundrum. For as long as i have listened to metal there has been, despite my passion for it, a slight discomfort in that my general world view is rarely in line with those of the bands i listen to. There are some exceptions. Early Metallica and, for that matter, most thrash bands in the 80's belonged to a left leaning philosophy. Grindcore, by and large, belongs to the punk political view. But many of the bands i love espouse an apolitical, or right wing world view that makes me uncomfortable. Burzum make incredible music, but Varg's opinions when it comes to race, sex and politics, are not worth repeating. Morbid Angel, possibly my favourite band, have an ambiguous past in regards to white power movements.

So i have, it is probably fair to say, been a metal head with a punk outlook. So listening to Propagandhi has been a bit of an eye opener. Supporters of animal rights, and various brands of anarchy, as well as condemning religion, corporations and intolerance, they seem much more in my political spectrum. The songs are great too.

But with it comes a similar guilt to that which i feel when i sit on the couch watching Aliens 3, instead of riding. I have a metalheads mistrust of hardcore. It's all a bit preachy, a bit self righteous, just a bit too good for for its own good. There are less sweet solos, and less of the spine tingling roars that make me want to break shit.

But isn't this a good thing? The members of Propagandhi are supporting good causes, passionately, and with a great deal of conviction. Isn't that better than making music which is fucking awesome, but with more questionable theoretical backing? Or should music be separated from agenda?

I simply don't know. What i do know is that, despite having the traditional mistrust of hardcore, i'm going to keep listening to Propagandhi, as well as other hardcore bands i have discovered along the way, not only because i think the message is a positive one; but also because the music kicks ass.

I'm still going to listen to Burzum though. And Sodom. There will always be room for bullet belts and inverted crosses.

So maybe, despite my misplaced guilt, its ok to 'cross borders' when it comes to music, just likes its ok to take a week of the bike if you feel like it. That way, when you come back to what you really love, be it metal or riding, you'll love it all the more.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

On Riding long distances and finding strange things on your ipod while one does it.

Last week, with some friends, i set out on what was meant to be an adventure. It was, but perhaps not in the sense i was expecting.

The plan, from the off, was to ride from Sydney to Melbourne on bikes. Most of us rode fixed gear bikes, some single speed, i opted for gears. Based on a very similar route started by Melbourne couriers which was named the Cannonball Run, our ride was a touch longer, but went for a couple more days, with the emphasis on 'holiday' rather than 'ball breaker'.

The first day, leaving from the Sydney Opera House (where else?) was great. Once we were out of the city, there was beautiful countryside, rainforest, amazing descents and as many lolz as one can handle. The radar, however, told a different story. A HUGE front, and i repeat, massive front, was coming our way.

Rain is no big deal i thought.

After lunch the heavens opened and we got pissed on. No stress i thought. I had been feeling a little under the weather and my throat didn't feel too crash hot either, but we rode on, finishin in Kiama, 130km done.

Easy day.

No sooner had we arrived then i began to become feverish. Sweaty and cold, i retired to bed at about 6, wondering how on earth i was going to ride another 7 days. I woke to the sound of torrential rain on the motel roof and knew that today would be, to put it mildly, difficult.

The weather itself was not worrying, but my condition was worse and i could barely see through a splitting headache. We rode on.

Much like an Opeth gig, whilst riding in the rain might be fun for half an hour or so, when you do it for long enough, one realises that fun is not being had.

Hours later we arrived in Ulladullah in the late afternoon, a few kms short of where we were meant to be, soaked, exhausted after having spent 9 hours in the freezing rain and blistering headwind.

Sore knees were the order of the way for those riding fixed, and my health sure as hell wasn't getting better.

The next day the rain had eased slightly but was still fairly consistent. The princess highway shoulder was non existent and we suffered 10 punctures between us, 5 of them being mine. I also broke a spoke.

The next day, due to my health, and others knee problems, four of us decided to call it quits. Two of the party, i'm proud to say, went on and completed the ride, all days in torrential rain coupled with a headwind.

To say i failed would be true. The last few days have been a blur of disappointment, general fatigue, and frustration. I am, generally speaking, a pretty stubborn person, and don't give up easily. This is especially true when it comes to riding my bike. Perhaps i could have kept riding, through the conditions, with my fever. But, like Metallica post Black album, was it a good idea to continue?

My main fear was that i would go on, push through my illness, and come home wrecked, unable to ride or race, or for that matter leave bed, for a week, or two weeks or more. The weather was the wettest NSW had seen since records began and pneumonia, with my lungs, was not out of the question.

So i did fail, but i also saw through a third of the ride through some of the worst conditions i have ever seen on a bike. And i can say without any doubt that i'll be back for more at some stage in the future.

I certainly had an adventure then, but a surprise one, where there was more pain and misery than happiness, but where i probably learnt more than i would have otherwise.

One thing i did do a lot of was listen to my ipod to while the wet hours away. By god, there were some strange things on there. It does something to a mans sanity, i would argue, listening to Napalm Death, to have it backed up with Sixpence None the Richer.

I have been, it must be said, been listening to a lot of hardcore recently, and enjoying it. But occasionally you gotta head back to what its all about. No matter how many times i listen to Gorilla Biscuits, Agnostic Front or whatever, Thrash will always be King, and will always rock a hundred times harder.

And those were the various conclusions i arrived at whilst being urinated on from a great hight by the Almighty.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Philosophy, Bertrand Russell and Sadus.

Yesterday i completed my undergraduate degree. In my philosophy exam i answered the seemingly innocent question 'What is philosophy?'. Obvious answers aside ('uh, i dunno wtf?', 'get a fucking job you secure white middle class dick', 'sorry, wrong exam, where is calculus at?') and despite the fact i had the euro trance break down from Attack Attack's one song on constant rotation in my head, i suspect it went quite well.
My answer, for those so bored and disengaged with the real world, was as follows:

Philosophy is the act, or result of, staving off the idea that there is nothing objective to know, no objective truth to strive for.

This was not, i should hasten to add, a post modernist rant as to the necessity for the removal of frame work etc etc. Nothing instills a more suffocating structure and framework to thought than the premise that one should remove structure or framework.

My point was essentially this. While everything we perceive in the world is human construction, where knowledge and truth is relative to where you are situated in said world, philosophy is still useful even, dare i say, crucial. The reason for this is, by doing philosophy as well as science, art, architecture etc etc, we will add to the growing collection of human 'stuff'. While it might not be objective knowledge, it's certainly information and it deals with how we interact with the world and, in so doing, we might work out why the idea that there is no ultimate knowledge to strive for is such a terrifying idea.

I also answered some potential critics. People like Bertrand Russell thought that there were things in the world that one could objectively know to be true, irrespective of humans and the empirical world. Such examples were of course 2+2=4, and his defence of induction which was, roughly: All observed A's have been B's, no observed A's have been non B's, the next A will most likely be a B, so its reasonable to conclude that all A's are B's. These statements were a priori (knowable without reference to the external world) but also analytic (ie. the truth of the statement was contained within the statement itself).

I argued that Russell was wrong here. While 2+2=4 and his logical defence of induction is indeed a priori, meaning i can sit in bed and analyse whether it is sound, it is not analytic. It is, rather, synthetic, meaning that the truth condition is not contained within the phrase but does, actually, lie outside it. So while i can see that 2+2=4 makes sense by sitting in bed, it would make no sense at all if i did not have the empirical world as background, ensuring that something and something making something else was a familiar idea. By the same token his defence of induction requires me to understand the concept that X can be Y. To know that a tree is different to a human i need firm ideas of what these two concepts entail.

This, in a roundabout way, was how i defended that idea that there is no objective truth. No mater the phrase, there will always be some form of projection onto the empirical world. I can sit inside my bubble and see that it makes sense, but i cannot sit inside my bubble and understand it, without first looking outside.

That was, by and large, it. As with all these things, it seemed quite good at the time of writing, but now i feel i have written something roughly equivalent to something released by Megadeth circa 99.

In any case, there is no Knowledge, but that shouldn't stop us thinking about stuff. The more ways we have of interacting with the world, the better, i suspect, for everyone.

Here is Sadus doing what they do:

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Racing Toward Mediocrity

I used to race my bike. Back in the heady days of 2005/2006, I figured it was what i wanted to do.

It wasn't.

Slowly, ever so slowly, and due mainly to this gentleman, i am changing my mind. So with the new goal to race the Tour of Bright in early December, i have commenced a certain amount of training that will only highlight my inadequacies. With the benefit of hindsight, I would hazard a guess that it was the cyclocross season i took part in during the winter, that reminded me that one can suffer and enjoy it too.

I figure I've been riding my bike for a few years too many in a comfortable niche. Time to try something different.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Attack Attacked

It seems there may be some more youtube videos i can make fun of before my formulaic prose are engulfed in a fire of proverbial self-importance.

Occasionally, one comes across a mutation of a personal passion, which makes one think twice about it. From the simple VISP 'fixie', complete with 78 spoke cards and pink somethingorother that makes you wish all your bicycles would turn into dirt bikes or, even cooler, cars; to the various modern incarnations of metal, there is always something to make you think twice as to whether you have made the right life choices.

However i recently came across something which trumps them all. You would be forgiven for not having heard of 'crabcore'. I certainly wish i had never heard of it. But i have, and there is no returning to the naive time when metal meant watching obese men vomit into a mic. Certainly naming a genre after the move the musician does on stage, rather than as a description of the music or lyrical themes, seems in itself odd. It is, i suspect, fairly indicative of the quality of the music.

I am of course talking about the next big thing amongst scenesters, the band Attack Attack. Imagine, if you will, a group of twenty somethings had a meeting and came to the following conclusions:

1.We really like palm muting.

2.We luv br00tal music like Cannibal Corpse

3.We also love emotional music like Hawthorne Heights.

4.We luv screaming

5. We love euro-trance.

An eclectic love to be sure and none would argue that Attack Attack don't wear their influences clearly on the sleeves of their American Apparal vee knecks.

Please, do yourself a favour. Watch this video in all its glory. Don't stop half way through, the part which makes it THE BEST VIDEO CLIP EVAR is toward the end.

There was a time when middle America listened to Judas Priest. I would argue they were better times. It is logical that any band wishing to oppose Madonna and punk should do what Judas Priest did so well: namely be gay but also incredibly macho. Genius. However when the mianstream you are acting out against considers Kanye to be a poet, and Sigur Ros to be high art, what is a self respecting, uneducated white kid to do? The answer, it appears, is bastardise as many music sub-genres as possible.

Just as the cycling capped hipster will cast a shadow of doubt over your mind as to why you chose cycling rather than golf, so too does the side fringed fat emo kid make you ask why you never got into Tame Impala like the rest of the cool kids.

That said, despite despising Attack Attack, their fans, and everything they stand for, I wish the luck. Anyone who has the courage to front something so lacking in taste deserves every bit of success they can muster.

My final shout out is to the poor white males of Middle America. Guys, it was even beter when you were into Manson in the late 90's. Look to your roots, discover Judas Priest, and Pantera again. We know Nirvana gentrified it all. Look past it. For christ sake do something!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Absence: When you make you blog too specific.

The fundamental premise of this blog is that cycling and heavy metal are both dorky, and that partaking in both activities is infinitely more dorky.
This, it has become increasingly clear, has a limited capacity for things to be written about it. Blogs i read myself discuss both things separately, and do a much better job of it. I am, it would appear, a master of neither craft, but simply an idiot.

It has recently come to my attention that a friend of mine has also started a blog. He likes creative writing and so the blog appears to be mainly based around his own work. Questions of ego mania aside, as well as serious doubts as to his music taste (Blind Guardian and Hunters and Collectors?) he is a cool dude, and i would encourage anyone as misplaced and misdirected in this world that they find themselves on my blog, should hasten themselves to his.

In other news I would like to defend my absence by saying that I have been caught up in university work. Doing a philosophy degree has taken up increasingly more of my time and, the time I am not reading stuff related to my course, I am usually sweating a lot on my bike. Metal, while still a passion, has taken somewhat of a back seat at the moment. This no doubt makes me a poseur.

Reinvention, it would seem, is the key. In what direction to reinvent is something I am still pondering. Regardless of what i choose i can guarantee that the result will be both mediocre and fairly middling. If i were you, I would spend my time online somewhere more worthwhile.

Apologies for the absence, and here is to another few weeks of merciful online silence from yet another jerk who considers his prose readable.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Black Metal and fatherhood: A new parenting model.

This video largely speaks for itself. Please note:

The child prodigy playing chess.

The excellent clag skills.

The palm tree in the background as the church burns. Grim as.

The guys sneakers.


Will this girl grow up to be twisted?

Does the Dad like Twisted Sister?

Why would you ruin such a sweet church?

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Suicidal Depressive Black Metal: Time to end it all?

Recently I have been listening to the most recent ridiculous metal sub-genre: sdbm, or suicidal depressive black metal for those who can't handle complicated names. While i must admit i find myself attracted to the 'wall of noise' created, and enjoy the incredibly bleak picture it paints in one's minds eye, there are a few things that bother me about it, and some questions that are raised.

As an example, here is a tune from my favourite band of this genre, the incredibly stupidly named, "Make a Change...Kill yourself."

It's beginning to sound a bit emo here. I must rush to the defence of these one man bands however. While emo is an offshoot of punk and clearly highly commercialised (though some punk and hardcore fans assure me it was good in the 90s...sure guys) black metal subgenres tend to appeal to a grand title of seven people in the world. That's six if we take away the band member himself. Here is MAC...KY.

This is only half the song, but i'm supremely confident it will be enough for you all. Now before
I bring into question some inconsistencies, I will say that this music is quite powerful while listened
to on headphones. To the questions:

1. If this chap is so bent on snuffing himself, why does he have four other bands, and seems to be very
happy to prosper in Norway or Sweden or some other suitably grim European location.

2.Why does he sound like a strangled cat?

3.Does he like Van Halen?

4.Does he feel any responsibility toward potentially insecure and desperate individuals who might
take his advice to 'join us'? Sorry chappy, but if your five fans are dead, then you ain't be getting those
illusive 100 monies of royalties.

5.Is this music the equivalent of a middle class white teenager threatening to kill themselves if their
mum doesn't buy them the latest gizmodo? "I'll totally do it you selfish assholes! My life is over!"

6.Are the posters on youtube for serious? I bandy the word 'masterpiece' around as much as the
next person, but i hardly think it applies here. Just because some northern european got a bit
cross at the lack of pagan roots in contemporary society, got a a bit sad, and picked up a guitar,
that's no reason to hail him as the next Van Halen.

7.Does he like Morbid Angel?

8.What does he think of emo music? It's basically the same minus the scene kids and side fringes.

9. Does he like cycling, or is it too life affirming?

10.Why isn't he dead yet?

These are just some questions that spring to mind. I listen to this stuff quite a lot and I enjoy it.
Don't despair however, if you find yourself projected into a lifeless, joyless abyss as a result of this
music, I can guarantee this will help:

Ps. Can someone tell me why my font fucks up after i embed videos?

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Cyclocross: How to hide you have no bike skillz.

This morning I went on a very muddy cyclocross ride. Aside from the logistics from keeping the mud out of my hair, it was a totally rad day. Thanks to all for coming out at making me look bad.

Those on MTB's totally crushed the single track, while those who were competent on the skinner tyres got by fine. I, on the other had, consistently ate shit. By the end, i looked a little bit like this:

Please note, that is not me. I have more hair and am more attractive.

In any case, one thing i liked about the day is that you can excuse your terrible bike handling skills, by blaming your cyclocross bike, as the ultimate inappropriate tool. With MTB technology the way it is, rigid frames with kinda fat tyres looks a bit archaic. So rather than being the laughing stock of everyone, people mourned by dire situation with me. Incredibly useful. Any kinda bike that allows me to crash a lot without making me look bad is my kinda bike.

It's great fun, i am consistently reminded, to get off the road and get dirty on the bike. It's like being a child gain, except my bike only has two wheels instead of three.

When i got home, i had a shower, and what appeared to be a small country's worth of mud came off my body.

A good day.

I should note that there was nothing metal at all about my ride. I didn't see any metal heads, and i feel a lot better for it. I did, however, buy Metallica tickets yesterday. I hope they play Metal Militia.

Friday, March 26, 2010

DIsaster: My Blogging Skills

Last post aint working out technology wise. hang tight. Fucking macs...fucking lars ullrich.

update: its now as bad as it was originally intended to be.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Disaster: Combining Four Brands of Crass

As the global metal 'community' groans collectively in, i can only assume, a sexual way, it has come to my attention that the Big Four of thrash are touring together for one BIG tour. For those who have had their head shoved up their ass for the past 30 years, the big four of thrash refers to the four most popular bands of the 80's thrash movement (that's right, movement). These are, respectively in order of success and popularity: Metallica, Megadeth, Slayer and Anthrax. Regular readers will know about my attitude toward Anthrax, but how Megadeth out sold Slayer will always baffle me, but i digress.

To come to my main point, who in
the name of christ thought this was a good idea? Of the four, the only band with a shred of dignity left is Slayer, and said dignity is balancing precariously on top of Kerry King's stupid fucking wrap arounds.

How the mighty have fallen...

In any case, these bands are washed up and haven't released a good album for at least fifteen years, or in Anthrax's case, ever. By putting all four on the same bill this serious weakness will only be highlighted.

Do you wanna watch this:

Followed by this:
Followed by this:

Followed, finally, by this:

This is truly a marathon of meh-tastic proportions. Personally, the minute Anthrax took to the stage i would be ready to tear out my hair in frustration let alone when, 14 hours later, a sober and short haired James Hetfield has the smugness to sing that piece of shit Nothing Else Matters and deny the relative glory days of '89.

This stunt is similar to getting the four greats of cycling, Merckx, Anquetil, Hinault and Armstrong together for one big fixed gear freestyle. Not only is it wrong, it's offensive, and clearly a publicity stunt. Also, it would suck.

Just as Merckx accepted his competitive days were over, and presently went on to eat himself to death, so to should the members of the Big Four. Except for Anthrax, who should renounce their place there and give to someone deserving like Dark Angel, or even fucking Testament.

This concert will be remembered for the moment where it was finally confirmed that thrash really has deterioated to the extent people thought, but also the time metal heads confirm they are too stupid to see it.

God help us.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Clusterfuck: When a 15 year old throws a party...

Despite it being about as far away as possible from the music that interests me, this gentleman has come to my attention recently:

Apologies for bad quality.

This video raises quite a few questions and general comments. These are namely...

1. Is this boy 12? Why does he speak like that?

2. How is he friends with Usher at such a tender age?

3. Despite the title, he spends most of his time "telling you one time".

4. If an ego maniac 12 year old invited you to his sweet house party, would you attend? Half the party goers look 35, well paid, and married. Where did this boy get his sweet contacts?

5. At what stage, when auto-tune is used so much, can a star rightfully claim ownership?

Perhaps most importantly...why is the boy doing this? Other than the money, the 21 year old women who already wanna jump him, as well as his friendship with Usher? I mean, has he never seen a Slayer show?

Holy god Justin, of whatever your name is, it's not too late! Renounce your money, fame, success, and already relative good looks, for a life of excellent music taste and integrity. Not to mention the social alienation, ridicule, lack of women and terrible hair that comes with it!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Female Toilets and Metal Concerts: An exploration of what it means to be alone.

Judging by the many metal concerts I have been too, metal is a male dominated music type.

Whenever i want to urinate at a concert, I have to put up with huge lines, awful conversations, smoke so thick i can barely see, as well as facing the fact that it was all my choice to go through it.

Women's toilets, on the other hand, must look a little like this at a metal concert:

Indeed metal concerts may in fact be the only place on earth where females can take a piss quicker than a male, and with less fuss. Heaven forbid, they could even take refuge in a cubicle, when they realise that the band they went to see is nothing more than a bunch or ageing fat men playing terrible riff salad wearing kiss makeup. I, on the other hand, when i have the same realisation, have to slip into the urinal and become stoned just by breathing the air.

The only thing more indignant than taking a piss at a metal concert, is taking a piss while wearing bib knicks, and the awful "forward lean of eagerness" that ensues. Why can't they include a small fly? Would it be so difficult? Do my testicles have to be compressed every time I need to wee?

The dubious moral of this story, it seems, is to go into the female toilets at metal concerts to save yourself face, mental health and lung capacity. Also, when you next ride your bike, channel this dude:

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Hitting Metal Toughness For Six

Tonight, despite my various misgivings, i went to watch the Australia, Pakistan Twenty 20 match at the MCG.

For the one (or possibly two) readers that don't live in the glorious British Commomwealth, Twenty 20 is a feeble attempt to make the sport of cricket both interesting and TV friendly. A sport that needs to be shortened from five days, to four hours, that still retains boring parts, is truely in need of help. Yet so it is.

What i was interested by was the large police presence. I personally saw several fights, and a few people dragged away by the police. This is in a sport that prides itself on being family friendly entertainment. What it contrasted with, quite amusingly, is the way metal fans talk up the brutality of concerts, when in reality, it probably didn't even compare with this cricket match.

Metal fans that talk in hushed tones about the "brutal suffocation gig" where they "totally broke a rib" and "broke the nose of three posers" probably, in reality, just stubbed their toe.

Who are you more scared of?

Or him?

I will admit that neither strike fear into the heart of man as this person does:

How could you not be scared as this man, sweet Mayhem tee billowing in the wind, shitty dual suspension bike creaking, bore down on you with all the stench and elitism of the average black metal fan. Also sweet rap rounds.

However, the spider guy is clearly more scary than the dog collar Maiden fan, and i suspect both are typical of the kind of people that attend cricket and metla gigs respectively. Clearly actual viloence is a far more real proposition at the sporting event, and sitting in front of me was a seven year old child. During the fight he stood up and was calling for blood. During a fight at a metal gig, everyone shys away from the violence, muttering about how they totally could have taken the seven footer with spikes coming out of his eyes, if it weren't for their sore neck from "sweet wind milling".

In conclusion, metal gigs, even self conciously violent ones like Slayer, Morbid Angel, and Styper, are nothing to the bare toothed brutality of family oriented sport.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Possessed: Too Metal For Their Own Good

Possessed are really good. I personally love the proto-death metal bands that were strictly speaking playing thrash given the time frame (1985 in this case) but were too heavy to rate with Metallica and Exodus.

The singer got shot somehow and now is in a wheelchair but still performs. Pretty impressive stuff. Here is some juxtaposition, yet again, between a good metal band, and a bad one.

Even with live footage they still fail miserably. They do make me lulz though.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

BMX: Suddenly Cool

I used to hate BMX. I found the bikes humerous, the riders stupid, and the tricks slow and boring. Colt Fake has changed all this. Rather than wasting time doing stupid tricks, this young man just does really dumb stuff at high speeds. And it works. I haven't been this thrilled by riding in a long time. Not only that but the sound track is excellent.

While I don't condone his choice of no helmet, especially considering the amount of times he seems to eat dirt, i certainly admire his stupidity and his bravery. Things to note from the video:

1. Hilarious scream when he hurts himself

2. Attractive women pouring beer into his mouth, suggesting succesful BMX carreer leads to hot chicks.

3. Sweet cloths.

4.Dedicated camera team

5. Mad cowboy hat

6. Riding off roofs is not only feasible, but easy.

So full of adrenaline is this video that it makes the increasingly corporate and boring fixed gear free style video's look even worse than they are. Case in point:

Things to note, and it has been said, but I'll reiterate:

1. Coasting is not only useful, but crucial to perform tricks.

2. Shit 'alternative' music is bad for trick vids

3. Brakes are useful when descending.

The comparison of these two video's is akin to comparing an actual metal band (like Obituary) with a hipster metal band, like Mastodon. Observe:

Things to note:

1. Sweet windmilling

2. Sweet crowd interaction

3. Denim


Things to note:

1. The drummer's shirt

In both cases, while one video seems genuinly sincere, its existence being to showcase skill, the other seems totally caught up in what it means to be observed and interpreted by others, the intention being to create this image.

In any case, everything turns corporate in the end. The BMX dude will become famous ans start selling his own brand of flat caps and Obituary now sell ugly hoodies.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Worshipping the Ancients

As a metal fan, there are certain bands i feel i am obliged to like. Examples of these might be Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Led Zeppelin, Deep Purple, Motorhead, Black Sabbath and Anthrax. My various ravings in regards to Anthrax aside, why do i have to like these bands?

I told an aquaintance who likes metal that i thought Judas Priest was crap and that the Painkiller cover by Death was light years better than the original, and it still stank. Said aquaintance looked at me as if i had murdered Dimebag in front of his eyes. Some bands in metal, it seems, are required listening.

While this is the case with all music it seems to be emphasised in metal due to the general die hard, dorktastic attitude of most metal fans. All this said, I thought i would voice my various opinions on the sacred cows of metal and hard rock. Things i would never say at a metal gig for fear of waking up dead.

1. Judas Priest

Slayer are a faster, more aggressive version of Priest. Slayer did it better. The end.

2. Pantera

If every thrash band hadn't gone to shit in the 90's, Pantera would be recognised as what they are: a washed up glam band who made a cynical image change to increase profits. The went on to make, by and large and i will concede with a few notable exceptions, totally boring riff heavy music.

3. Iron Maiden

I like Iron Maiden. But Number of the Beast isn't that good. The song Invaders is truly awful. Hallowed Be Thy Name is one of the best songs ever.

4. Deep Purple

Said to be a huge influence on many bands. Cannot. get. into. them. No matter how hard i try.

5. Led Zeppelin

One of my totally favourite bands currently. Never thought I would say that about a popular rock band. But honestly, listen to Vol. III and IV. Immigrant Song started about 3 genres of metal. Kashmir still gives me goosebumps. If a metal fan dismisses the Led and then goes on to wax lyrical about Priest, first listen to Painkiller, then listen to Whole Lotta Love, then kick said metal fan in the head.

6. Motorhead

Everyone loves Motorhead. Lemmy is the maddest of dogs. They also appear in the Young Ones.

7.Black Sabbath

Great band. Iron Man is a shit song. Awful.

8. Megadeth

Why does everyone like Peace Sells? It's so dull. I honestly can't listen to half that album. Rust in Peace is much better, though Dawn Patrol is a criminal mistake.


Despite being my compatriots, i despise everything they have ever done. They are rock and roll at its most cleched and boring.

10. Metallica

Again, despite the haters and the image concious, i still think Metallica is awesome. The first four albums shit all over anything Megadeth has ever done, and Priest can't even sit in the same room. ...And Justice was the first metal album i ever heard. It remains one of my absolute favourites. Watch this and still try and disagree:

I can forgive even the song 2x4 when i hear that opening riff.

These are my opinions on just some of the Sacred Cows of Metal and rock in general. There are many more. Don't even get me started on Kiss. It now seems that some misguided fools read this thing. Leave a comment with your list of Sacred Cows and your like/dislike for them. Alternatively, leave a comment threatening my family due to my comments in regards to Priest. Liken me to a poseur for not liking Peace Sells.

The only thing i think we can be certain of is this: everyone likes Motorhead: